Today I turned twenty one years old. It was so hard knowing that my momma wasn't here to celebrate it with me and I did cry a lot. It overall wasn't a bad day just emotional. I got a surprise party planned by my dad and I found out about it about a week before. Here's some pictures from today and eventually I'll post the videos that goes along with the pictures.
Feb. 14, 2016 Today I turned twenty one years old. It was so hard knowing that my momma wasn't here to celebrate it with me and I did cry a lot. It overall wasn't a bad day just emotional. I got a surprise party planned by my dad and I found out about it about a week before. Here's some pictures from today and eventually I'll post the videos that goes along with the pictures.
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I really haven't been up to blogging or journaling the last few days so please forgive me. It's been a month since my momma passed away. I'm still trying to cope with the loss and deal with the things to come. We should have the death certificates in about 5 more weeks. I'm ready to go get my stuff so everything here can settle down. Here's some pictures from these few days.
The last few days has been uneventful to say the least, nothing but rest. We have put my new glider cages together and moved them out to my apartment with some heaters. They are so glad to have big cages again and soon the wheels will be here so they will have something to do other than climb the cages. Derek finally went to work which I can't tell how glad I am, he's annoying just like a kid. I'm just use to being alone with momma so I'm trying to adjust. I love being able to experience the pregnancy first hand than just seeing pictures and videos. I try to keep myself busy for the most part so that I don't have time to think about what has happened. I have questions that I don't really need the answers too.
I love Jessica don't get me wrong but I miss my home back in Missouri. I feel at home here but I don't know I guess once I get my things here everything will be even better. I have nothing to do other than follow Jessica around, color, play on my computer, or play on my phone. So I'm bored most of the time. I had a routine at the house that I don't have here and won't have for quite some time now. I still don't understand how my mom could do something like she did but I guess I'm not meant to understand. I'm mad right now, mad at Momma and mad at God. I told him that he couldn't have her and that she was mine. I screamed for her just to talk to me that night as the ambulance took her away but of course she was gone. Donna told me she was gone before the paramedics took her to the hospital; that the body was still working on autopilot while the soul was not there anymore. If the doctor could have gotten her stable she would have been a vegetable. She wouldn't want to live that way. I still remember that night perfectly and every time I can't save her. I replay that day over and over again trying to figure out what I could have done differently. Could I have saved her with one slight change? I'll never know for sure. One thing I know for sure that is when I go to heaven she's getting her ass whipped. I turn twenty one in only seven days! How crazy is that? I don't feel like I should be twenty one yet. I still don't have a clue at what I want to do for my birthday or what I want for my birthday. Everyone keeps asking me what I want and honestly I can't tell them. The one and only thing I want for my birthday is my momma but I can't have her. I decided to give everyone the link to my etsy site that has everything that I have ever liked so they stop asking me. I don't know! I'm still trying to cope with losing my mom so how can I even think about it? The weather here is so crazy, one day it's seventy degrees then the next it's in the thirtys. I can't wait for it to be a constant seventy degrees! I can go outside to watch the flowers grow and see the sky. Momma hated me being inside so much so for her I'm going to try to be outside and off my computer more. I hope she can see me from Heaven and be proud of me. That's all I want is to make her proud with how I'm doing and what I'm making out of my life. God, five thirty came so damn early for me! I heard the alarm going off on my phone but I just turned it off and covered up my head. After we all got up and going we headed off to Alexandria, one of the nearest big cities, to go check up on little MaddieJo. It was really cool to hear the heartbeat on the monitor. I can't wait until I can have a new life growing inside my stomach.
After leaving there we stopped by three different places and got nothing done. I can't easily unlock a sprint phone because it takes fifteen days. You get a copy of your birth certificate at the courthouse and not the social security office. Then we stop by petco to get a zippered pouch and a cone for putting on her head when we get to the vet. Needless to say we got nothing done. Today started very early for me; like at 1 am early. I went to bed way to damn early (9:30) so needless to say I woke up at about 1! Oh great now what am I going to do for five and a half hours while everyone else just sleeps? Absolutely nothing is the answer to that question. I laid there trying not to think about too much and focus only on going back to sleep. Well it so totally didn't work. Here I am wide awake so damn early with nothing to do but stare at the wall and think. So much to think about but most of it I didn't even want to think about.
So I decide to play on my phone doing something just to get my mind off of everything else. Damn, all I hear is a clump where my phone hits the floor. Wonderful! Now I'm stuck in one spot with nothing to do but lay there. So I do just that; lay there. I toss and turn with my head trying to get myself comfortable so maybe just maybe I can go to sleep. That doesn't happen at all. I may have dozed off for a hour but that's about it. I hear every little noise and look up. I guess I had my glider babies on the mind. Shit. Derek comes out of the bedroom to get something to eat. So I pretend to be asleep but I can hear everything he was doing. Well after he went back to bed I just sat there again. Hours pass by without sleep and I'm just sitting there. My feet are having a pure fit for some damn reason. Hell if I know. As six thirty rolls around I decide to sit up and play with my necklace until someone else on up and could get my phone. So after what felt like an hour Derek comes out of the bedroom and starts the coffee. I've decided to completely stop drinking coffee because of all the memories with momma. Okay sure maybe one day I'll go back to drinking it but not right now. I settle for hot chocolate. He makes me a grilled cheese with some tea. I have to say he's made me breakfast just about every morning since everything went down. He's a good guy when he wants to be and he can be a asshole when he wants to be too. He's so much like a little kid that it's not funny. One minute you love him then the next you could just strangle him. So our day begins with getting Brantyn up and ready for school which is a struggle almost every day. He cried and says that he doesn't feel good or that his legs hurt. He's five years old as of yesterday and he's at the age that the growing pains will start. He's going to be in some real pain when one of them start to kick in during the night. I remember JC having them all the time and he was up most of the night crying because his legs hurt him so bad. I don't remember my growing pains if I had any and Momma's not here for me to ask. Once Brantyn is on the school bus we kinda have a little time to our selves to get fully awake. Of course I am already awake and have been for hours. The temperature outside is just right so out on the back porch we go and watch the world go by. Donna, Jessica's mom, is a nurse and EMT so if we need something we call her. I forgot that she was coming over to help give me a bath. Yuck! I hate getting baths. I get cold so easily when the bath is over and we had just done one like two days ago. I didn't do anything to get dirty so why bother giving me another bath? So when she comes she just stops by to say she's going to go finish some paperwork then come back. So she leaves again, yay! No bath yet. So while she does that we go wash my hair. When she comes back we end up just sitting there on the porch just talking about trauma things that we have seen and seen on the tv. I tell her that before my accident I wanted to be a trauma technician so bad. Well now I'm a trauma patient. We discuss some really gross things that I won't go into detail about anyway. So once she leaves we just relax most of the day. Uncle Mike levels out the spot where my apartment is going to go. Now all that's left is setting the building up and wiring it. Yes! So close. Daddy said they would work on it first thing in the morning so once Jessica and I get done in Alexandria we could go inside and start to work on the inside. I'm so excited!!!!! I get to go with her to the baby doctor and hear the heartbeat! So cool. I've been having baby fever for the last couple of years because everyone I knew was having kids and I felt left out. I know trying to have kids in my condition would be hard but I believe that I could do it. So I've been thinking a lot about it. Well now it's perfect because I'll be living under the same roof as a newborn and get to see it all. Just my luck. Today I woke up at about five thirty with everyone starting to wake up around me and let me tell you that I was grouchy. I'm just so damn tired and just want to sleep in for a few days. We all got up and got dressed, doing the normal routine. Today would be hard as we bury another loved one that has passed away. Big Daddy was someone I thought would have out lived me. He was 91 or 92. The drive to the church was extremely difficult for me as I thought about my mom. God how I miss her so much.
As the funeral went on I couldn't help but start to cry, but it wasn't for Big Daddy. It was for my mom which sounds so bad because everyone else was crying for the man in the coffin. I loved him and yes I'm sad that he's gone but I'm just still not over what happened with my mom. I could just hear the music that they played at her funeral and it just took me back to that morning. I just hate even thinking about it now cause I could easily start crying again. I know that I could talk to Jessica about everything that I'm feeling but I just can't yet. I need my own time to process everything that has happened in the past few weeks. Once I have gone through my mourning process then I will be able to talk to someone out loud. I guess I'll just share my feelings with you guys for now. We went to the graveyard where everyone was gathered to say their final goodbyes to him. I couldn't make myself go up to the casket either places. I don't think I could have made it through the rest of Momma's funeral if we would have went to the graveyard too. I just needed to get out of the church and away from everyone watching my every move. I was the center of attention and I couldn't handle that pressure. I was out of my head and in a total state of I don't know what you call it. I was in a totally different world at that point and just begged for someone to take me home. I want to grieve in private not in front of everyone. I think that once my building gets set up and I can be alone I will be able to start my process. Right now I'm trying to be strong for everyone but that won't last forever. I know that and I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold it together much longer. Today was okay I guess if you want to call it that. I went to Big Daddy's wake at the church tonight and I couldn't make myself go up to the casket. I could see him unlike momma without actually going up to it. It was just too hard. I got to see a lot of people but most of them I don't have a clue who they were. So I just smiled and said hello. I had a good time don't get me wrong but it brought up too many memories from my moms funeral.
We went by the cemetery today before going on to the wake, which it looked okay as far as looks go. I just couldn't really think about momma being in the grave itself but it was as I expected it. I don't want to go back until I'm ready to face the fact that she's gone. I got to wear boots for the first time in a long time which made me feel like a normal person in a wheelchair. Normally I feel like some weird thing that needs protection or something. I hate that so much. I'm a normal person just need the wheelchair to get around and a little help sometime. I wonder what people did if I just stopped doing anything for myself. I want to be seen as a normal adult just like everyone else is seen at my age. Grr how that pissed me off and still does. Today was a semi good day because I got my chair working again. We got up at five thirty in the morning so we could get me dressed and in the love seat. My chair had to be in west Monroe by nine to get fixed or it would have to wait until Monday. Daddy picked it up and went over there. It took a long time because they had to take my chair apart. The motor itself wasn't the problem but the wire on the outside of the motor. That's $2000 just wasted basically. Damn people just pluck my nerve. So they get finished with changing out the wires and the damn brakes wouldn't work either. All I could think is oh great but they fixed it simply. So I was back in motion!
Deza, Taylor, and Logan came over to just visit around a fire and just have some fun. We talked and laughed our ass off. We were talking about my 21st birthday about two weeks away and Logan said he's gonna get me drunk. I said that I would not mind but we would have to stay in the house so I didn't have to drive my chair. He goes oh hell I'll push your ass back in the house. So we have a plan for my birthday coming up. Aspen told me to video it and send it to her when we do. I ended up having a red bull and a full throttle towards the end of the night which I thought that I would never sleep again. Surprisingly I went to sleep pretty easily but it all started going downhill from there. I awake to someone knocking on the door and it was Aunt Pam and Brantyn, oh no I could tell it was not good news. Big Daddy, Uncle Mike's dad, wasn't doing good and it didn't look like he would make it until morning. So we try to go back to sleep until Jessica comes into the living room and tells me that he didn't make it. Great, this is the third person to die in a two week period. How much more can our family take God? I know you never put more than we can handle on us but it sure is getting heavy. So now we have to plan another funeral and cry all over again. I'm so tired of crying that I can't make tears anymore. So here I am at four o'clock in the morning writing this. No one can get a hold of uncle little Mike either. Deza, Taylor, and Logan went partying after they left here and somehow got into trouble with the cops. The cops had to escort them home, take her car away and charged her with distribution of alcohol to a minor. Taylor is only twelve years old but looks to be about seventeen. So here we are once again. Great. Deza wanted Jessica to come get her and she's drunk. Like majorly drunk. Here we go with another sleepless night to start another day. I asked Taylor if she had anything to drink and she said that she did have a few sips but nothing large. I'm tired of being tired and tired of getting hurt. I'm holding myself together with strings but it's become thinner and thinner with each passing day. I was just thinking that everything was about to start looking up and now we get knocked down once again. When will we get a break? How much more will come our way? Ehh. So much for a good day to bbq with family. Instead we get to plan a whole another funeral and wake. I can't bring myself to cry yet, for that I feel awful because I loved Big Daddy but I'm tired of crying. I'm ready for this dark time to pass and see some clear skies for a while. Is that too much to ask? As I lay in my chair tonight all I can ask for is a restful night and some really great sleep. I feel like my body is just over worked. I just want to sleep all the time. I couldn't help but think about what I want to do for my birthday this year. I want to be a grown ass woman and drink until I get drunk. I want to be free. I want to be my age for once in my life and by gosh I'm going too. When we get my phone done hopefully Monday I'm going to start thinking of the things I want to do. I hate funerals and now tomorrow we have Big Daddy's wake. Great. I hope to god I don't freak out like I did at my moms. I really need to get over everything and move on. How though? Richard, a guy that I use to go to school with, keeps texting me about how beautiful I am and that he wants to take me out on a date. It's been so long since I've been asked out on a date I kinda want to do it so I can get back into the field. The guy that I was dating when the accident happened just had a baby the night my mom passed away. I still love him so much and now I regret my decision to break up with him. He treated me so good and loved me so much too. I gave him up for a twenty years old guy who was all talk and no action. If I could go back and change it I most definitely would. Who knows we might have been the ones to have a baby. If he happens to read this: Matt first off I'm so sorry how things ended between us and yes I love you still but I know you will never get back together with me. I hope you and your new little family nothing but the best. Welcome to parenthood. Richard is a nice guy but I just don't know how I feel about trying to date him. We don't know much about each other since we were in school together and even then I never saw him in that way. All I can do is be outright with him that I am not looking for anything but friendship. If it turns into something more than so be it. |
AuthorParalyzed from the neck down after an ATV rollover at 14, April Otwell is beating the odds the doctors gave her. She's a blogger, fantasy writer, college student, sugar glider guardian and spinal cord injury survivor. She's even writing her first fiction novel!
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CONTACTEmail: hopeful.thinking123@yahoo.com
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