Why does love have to be so complicated?
I like you and you like me
Shouldn't that be enough?
I don't understand men at all
I guess I'm not supposed too

That night sitting in the dark you kissed me
I can't get it out of my mind
The way your lips brushed against mine only to tease me
I see in the back of my head
I just want to feel it again

You dug yourself into a hole
I told you I only want you
You told me not to wait for you
I told you just ask me too
You said you can't be the man I need right now
You said I need someone who has the time and attention to give me

All I want is you
I promise I'm yours
No matter what I'm yours
Heart, mind, body and soul
I'm yours

​-April

Today was a very good day compared to the last couple of months. Everything has seemed to just go wrong for my family and I, from four family members dying to finding out I have a severely broken dislocated hip. (One of those family members happened to be my momma.) Of you follow this blog you have read through all of my struggles and my sorrows, it's time to start looking forward instead of backwards. I'm so ready to see where this life leads me and my story of courage, strength, and faith. So as of today I'm going to be turning the page.
The town that I live in today is a small town where everyone knows everyone and their business. The population is around 3,400 people, it may seem like a lot but I promise you it's not. There's only two people who have a spinal cord injury Sommer and myself. As with most small towns the physical therapist is not trained to deal with such a high injury level nor do they have the right type of equipment to be able to properly handle a quadriplegic such as myself. I go to physical therapy twice a week for an hour or so depending upon the schedule. The only thing they normally do is stretch me, put me on my elbows and do some minor arm exercises. It's okay for now because I really need to be stretched right now, everything is tight from no therapy for the about three years I lived in Missouri.

Today was different in therapy for unknown reasons, I could tell that something was going to be different. I can't tell you the why and reasons I felt that way other than God. We got me on the mat and done our usual stretched and getting on my elbows while on my stomach. I was beginning to think that I was wrong to think that this day would be any different. That's when it happened, Taylor got a good idea. Let's sit me up on the edge of the mat and work on my trunk some. Sure, I have done it before with them but I was always kinda awkward doing it. I could do it but for very short periods of time. Today I was able to sit up unassisted for about thirty minutes! I was able to keep my balance as I put my hands out in front of me one at a time. I could lean back some then be able to sit myself back up without help. I honestly wish I could have had a camera going to be able to document my therapy today. It was awesome. I was able to move my torso around in circles and not loose my balance.
I have so much potential to regain control over my body compared to all of the other C3 quadriplegics I have seen. I have so much sensation through out my body, it may not be the same sensation as a person without a spinal cord injury but it's sensation. I know that the sensation that I have that my signals are getting through my spinal cord even the damaged parts. I know one day I will be able to stand up out of this wheelchair and say I defeated my paralysis. It may take years but I know one day I will succeed, with help from God.
I know that this therapy place cannot give me the kind of treatment that I truly need but with everything that's going on and going to happen it's a start. I know that when I get my hip fixed it will be a small setback because any surgery has setbacks but once everything bad healed and I'm ready to go again I can branch out to find the kind of therapy that I truly need. It's a start in the right direction anyway.

I have decided that to further document my progress as well as my story I will go ahead and purchase my camera. I was already going to get the camera for my photography but I never have a camera when I need or want one. I have so many ideas to do with my photography so why not just go ahead? There's going to be so many events coming up in the near future that I'm going to want to document from the baby shower to every milestone in the baby's first couple of months. I don't want to miss unable to document them for future reference.
I have been through so much throughout the seven years with this paralysis and over came those things that I want to share them with everyone; the good, the bad, the ugly and my pain, my sorrows and my joy. I know that someone out there can relate to the things I'm going through and if I can help one person all this will be worth it.

The young woman I was becoming that cold February morning died that day. I was becoming a brat that was going to be trouble in her future. I honestly believe that if I had stayed on the path I was heading I would be a teen mom. Our God works in mysterious ways. He took this tragic accident and turned the tables around for me to be able to blossom into this beautiful young woman I've become. He has set up my life to help someone else dealing with these same struggles I'm going through. I'm grateful for God for allowing me to live to serve him and to be able to share my story with the world.

So much has been going on in my life lately that I've been exhausted at night and fell right on to sleep. The four mouth anniversary of my mom's death came just a few days ago and I cried just about all day. I have been sick too so I couldn't do much of anything other than sleep there for a week or so. I'm finally feeling better and we have gotten just about everything out of one of the trailers!
I'm trying to plan Jessica's baby shower too.
More updates soon.

So I've been having these feelings that I'm alone.. I don't know why but hopefully making this blog post will help me sort out some of those feelings.

• ​Dustin and Brittney don't talk to me very often
• Richard is acting strange after he came over and he kissed me ​

I guess I'm just used to having all of these people to talk to and now I'm not.

I have decided to share my photography with everyone.

So I don't think you can call what happened the other night a date but I hung out with a guy friend that I went to school with before my wreck. We have texted each other for many months and something has always came up and we couldn't hang out. We flirt and talk about many things. I feel like I can truly talk to him about anything over text message. Yeah I hide behind my cell phone when I know that he could be at my house in a matter for minutes.
He has been there for me since my mom passed away and has helped me express my feelings. He's so sweet and caring. He could have any girl that he wanted but he chose me. So when he came over to my building to hangout with me I became very nervous and just couldn't help but notice the insecurities that's been here all the time. So here's where I face these insecurities:
I am shy in front of people that I'm not use to being around.
I don't feel like I'm attractive enough for someone.
I feel like this wheelchair makes me ugly
The scars that have come from this accident are keeping me unattractive.
The accident has distorted my body to where no one could be attracted to me.
I'm twenty one years old but have never been with a guy before.

When he came over he kissed me and I mean really kissed me. It was amazing and he's an amazing kisser. There was tongue and it made me blush pretty bad. I didn't want to stop but when he pulled away I bit down on my lower lip. I was all giddy on the inside.
After I made things so awkward that you could have cut it with a knife. I couldn't look at him in the eyes or anything. We sat there in silence until he had to leave because he had to get up early for work the next morning. There was no kiss good night just left. I think I've changed our friendship and I don't want too. I'd love to become more than just friends with him but I'm scared that it'll somehow mess up everything that we have already become.
He calls me beautiful and cute all the time and I don't know but I don't think of myself as beautiful. I find every little detail that makes myself see myself as flawed. Acne at 21, curvy figure, wheelchair, my trache scar, my small boobs, my drop foot, my hip distortion, the fact that I can't do anything for myself, I'm never alone, I don't have control of my body functions, I can't feel pleasure when stimulated, I can't drive, I have to have my caregiver most of the time, I can't be spontaneous, I've never been kissed with tongue, I'm a virgin, and the list could keep going on. There's just way too many to actually list.

What are some of your insecurities?

Today went by pretty fast to me but I think it's mostly because I was busy most of the day trying to clean up my building. Jessica came home today from Houston with good news. I got to hold two little girls this morning finally! Yay!
I had the most awkward first date though. He's an amazing kisser! No details though sorry.

Today has been a good day. I found out some very cool news but will go onto that later. I had a rather good day. I stayed in my building most of the day while Jessica and my aunt Beth from my fathers side cleaned in the house. Jessica is leaving Sunday night to go to the doctor appointment in Houston Monday. So she's trying to get everything in the house done before she goes just in case they go ahead and take the baby.
I done my normal chores and jammed out to the radio playing on my phone. I got a small vaccum to help me clean my glider cages and it saved me a lot of hard work! I'm actually handling all of my gliders a lot more now and they even get to come out of the cage to play. Flower still won't stop hoarding her two babies! It's like come on lady! Let those joeys free. Lol. Asia had two small tails hanging out of her pouch when I checked up on them.
I have several things I need to be doing but I don't want to actually do them. Here's some of the things I have to do:

• ​Call the driving evaluation people to ask about drivers education
  
• Find glider vet that neuters
  
• Call about survivors benefits
  
• Schedule second opinion on my hip