Today was very stressful! I had therapy at 10:30 am which I cancelled, a CT scan at 1 pm, Jessica was waiting on Houston to call for an appointment and she had to get steroid shot at 4:40 pm. Gosh, so much in one day!
We checked Brantyn out of school about 10:30 and ate lunch before heading off to the other appointments we had. The CT scan went very good, I was able to do most of the registration part by myself and I went back into the imaging station by myself. The staff was very well trained on how to get my on the table and back in my chair without hurting me. The scan took about fifteen minutes to do and we were out of there. We were in the waiting room for about two hours but it wasn't too bad. Brantyn was very well behaved if I do say so myself.
After we left we had about an hour to kill before Jessica had to be at the hospital for the shot so we went right down the road to see Aunt Pam. She had a double knee replacement surgery on Wednesday and will be in the hospital for about two weeks. She's doing good, not able to get up yet because the medicine that they gave her to block the pain hasn't warn off. They said they would try again tomorrow.
Once we left there we went straight to the women and children's hospital for the steroid shot. We got there about fourty five minutes early hoping we wouldn't be there two hours like yesterday. Sure enough we were only waiting for about thirty minutes this time and were out of there too.

We went back to recovery part of the surgical unit to pick up Brantyn and see aunt Pam again before we headed home. She was still kind of out of it but it's always good to see her. We ate Chinese for dinner and came home. We didn't pull into our driveway until seven o'clock! I'm exhausted!

Today I had to get up very early to make sure everything was done before I started my virtual training session for the peer mentor program at The Christopher Reeves Foundation. I cleaned all four of the cages, done a basic sweep, ate breakfast and even done my computer before it was time to join the training session.
It started at 10:45 am and was supposed to be until 3:30 pm but we only had like five other people show up so we got done about 2:30 pm. Out of everyone I had the highest spinal cord injury at C3. It was a very interesting time listening to the other participants talk about their spinal cord injury. There were even some family members there instead of the spinal cord injury survivor. I was also the youngest trainee but not the youngest spinal cord injury. There was a mom there to become a mentor and her daughter was 6 but she had her spinal cord injury at five months old from a illness.
I enjoyed the time I had with everyone else that knew kinda what I was going through. Most everyone there had already gotten married and had big time jobs or even some had been mentors already. I wish I could say the same but I will get there eventually!

Today has been okay I guess. I turned off my alarm every time and went right on back to sleep. Jessica had to take Brantyn to school because she got up too late. I ended up eating breakfast before going back to sleep while she was gone.

When I finally got up and went to my therapy for an hour, the day began. The therapist agree that I should get a second opinion on my hip because they don't see how they could just leave it the way it was. It would end up doing more damage in the long run. Now every time I pop or crack I can't help but think I'm breaking my hip more! I should not have to be worried like this, the doctor needs to fix it.

After therapy I go out to my apartment to start cleaning cages and doing what I want to do. I got in the mail a form saying that I owed about $500 in taxes for a tax ID number that my mom had used but I had closed it down over a year ago so I was so confused. Once I called them I found out that I closed it one day after the year was up but the lady said that she would ride it off and make it go away. Yay!

Today was Buck's birthday so we fried fish up the hill and goodness it was amazing! I wasn't really up to company so I kinda kept to myself but the food was awesome. It was a very pretty day.
I'm excited to see what happens tomorrow with my peer mentor training for the Christopher Reeves Foundation.

Friday was... How do you say a very emotional day for me? My emotions was everywhere. We went to the orthopedic doctor to get the results of my X-rays that I got the Thursday of last week. Obviously because of the way it sits I knew that there was something wrong with it but I never expected it to be as bad as a broken hip. Yeah, okay a dislocated hip sure.
When the X-ray technician told us that the hip was broken I immediately started to cry because I know that more than likely I'd need surgery to repair the broken parts and possibly more if there was more damage. Great, just what I need is surgery! I have been through so much in the last few months that I am becoming overwhelmed. So much darkness has surrounded my family and myself in this year already. I'm starting to feel like what else can go wrong?
So we fill out paperwork while we wait for the nurse to come call us into the back, most of the questions had nothing to do with my hips. We giggle at each other as we complete the paperwork. Laughter is the best medicine. When we get to the back the lady takes my blood pressure which is 86/64 or something close to that. This is my normal blood pressure whether or not anyone actually knows this. Everyone usually freaks out when my blood pressure reads so low but that's normal for someone with my injury. Don't ask me why!
Once the doctor comes in I got real quiet hoping for some very good news. (Like 'all you need is to be popped back in place and you're good to go') Well that doesn't happen. He said at this point in time there's nothing that he can do, there's no longer a ball on my femur and the socket has also been rubbed away. Even if he put the hip back where it's supposed to go it wouldn't stay there. More than likely I broke my hip in my accident and they were trying to keep me alive so they didn't worry about the fracture in my hip. I don't know this for sure but now I'll be requesting my medical records to find out.
When ever I dislocated my hip the two bones rubbed together over the years and worn off the ball and socket. He said since I'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life that there's nothing to do. Why replace the hip when I'm not walking on it? He sees me as being in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and we see me having the possibility of walking again. He said that he could in and cut the top of the femur off so that my legs with spread open. I don't like either options. He said that I can stand on my hip with no problems since I can't feel it anyway but something just didn't sit right with me. Why should I stand on my hip like it is? I would think that it would cause more problems and damage in the long run.
I have contacted a couple hip orthopedic specialists to get other opinions and hopefully soon will see what they say.

The left side image is of a normal hip while the one in the middle is my hip. As you can tell these something seriously wrong with my hip. The image on the right is how my hip sits when I'm laid straight on the mat at therapy.

I came across this picture this morning on Facebook and just had to post it here. It's one of the truest statements I have seen in a long time. Everyone goes through these hard times before they can enjoy the good times afterwards.
Everyone here knows what I'm going through right now and some of my family is saying that they think I'm depressed or at least something is wrong with me. PLEASE everyone calm down. I'm dealing with the suicide of my mother, my best friend and my caregiver. Not only are my feelings upset because I lost my mom but she committed suicide so how do you think I feel about that? Give me time!
Its only been three months and I have so much more going on that I haven't had time to properly deal with my loss. Yeah I'm burying it right now because I have to so that I can handle everything else that's going on in my life. Once things settle down for a while I will have time to deal with it like I feel is right. Don't judge me for how I choose to grieve my mom's death.

A Million and One Tear:
If I could count the tears I cried,
It would be a million and one;
I never really thought,
I would have to say good bye so soon and now I am so numb.

Some say, "life goes on",
But how can that be?
I am so numb now;
Because you were so much a part of me.

Everywhere I look,
The memories of you are there;
I long to see your face again...Maybe then,
It wouldn't be so hard to bear.

Time is suppose to heal all wounds...
But what is time?
Just a slow ticking of the clock...
That never seems to end.
Does a broken heart ever really mend?

You gave us the most wonderful gift of all,
You gave us all your love,
You were always there for us anytime we called!

The most precious, sweetest mother,
With a heart of gold;
What a great treasure you were...
I wish for the days of old.

I hold your dear face in front of me,
Like a mirror so I can see your smile;
I hold your love in my heart to cherish,
You were with us for 47 years but it only seems like a short while.

My comfort is, I know you are in heaven,
With the Lord and all our loved ones,
Shouting on the streets of gold,
With your new feet, for Jesus healed you
from the top of your head down to your feet,
Therefore made you whole!

Revelation 21:4
And God shall wipe away all the tears from their eye; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be anymore pain, for the former things have passed away!

So many things have been going through my head today, today marks the third month that's passed since my mom passed away. There's so many unanswered questions left floating around in my head. Too many, in my opinion but the only person that can answer those questions is gone and she's not coming back. So I have to find a way to let those questions rest while I try to move on with my life.
Being on my period has also made this day one of the worst so far, the fact that there's gloomy weather outside isn't helping either.
I talk to my mom through her Facebook, it's my way of communicating and before you say it yes I know she can't talk back. So what? That's my way so I don't care what anyone thinks of it. I've posted a screenshot of what I posted today.

So today I got up around nine and watched Hulu while Jessica slept in. She didn't get up until about 10:30 or 11. After she got up we gave me a bath, which I hate. I get so cold and it takes me so long to get warm again. It wasn't so bad today but I still got pretty cold. After that we went to Walmart (always fun). I didn't get anything that was on my list.. I couldn't remember any of them. Tomorrow I get to clean cages, sweep, go through more papers, burn papers, and set my mini fridge up in my building! Sounds awesome and fun.

I'm so totally loving the red hair, I don't have to worry about my dark roots so much now. I will probably get some golden highlights throughout the summer to lighten it up. My hair gets lighter when I'm in the sun a lot and lately I've been in the sun a bunch. I'm even starting to get my tan skin back. I was so tan before my wreck and I haven't been able to get it back. Of course the fact that I can't stay in the hot sun to much because I'll overheat doesn't help but I'm going to try to be outside more than normal. I just have to watch my body temperature and keep myself cool with fans, water, and the air conditioner. I received my last wheel and my sugar glider emergency kit in the mail today. Everything is finally coming along for me.

Today we went to the doctor to get orders to fix my wheelchair, orders for X-rays on my hip and knee, get the paperwork done for a driving evaluation done and then go to therapy. Hoping that my hip was just out of the socket so it would be an easy fix of simply popping it back in place.
The therapist noticed how odd it sits while I'm on the mat, and that there's limited range of motion in it. So before I can stand or get hurt any worse they suggested that I get X-ray and MRI on both my left hip and left knee. The ligaments in my left knee are very loose due to not muscle tone.
We get my X-rays done and I could hear the techs behind the wall whispering about my hip so I knew it couldn't be good. So they put me back in my chair and go back out to the waiting room so we can wait for the doctor to look at them. Of course the techs aren't supposed to tell us what's going on but the doctor just said to go home and he'd call the orthopedic surgeon to schedule an appointment. So obviously something was wrong but he couldn't say. One of the techs knew Jessica and so she asked him to look at the X-ray and tell us something. He said that my hip is broken and shoved up into the socket.

I cried the entire way home because it's not good to have a broken hip at such a young age plus there was no reason for it to be broken. I have not had any falls or accidents to cause such an injury. That's all I need is one more thing to go wrong with my recovery. I feel like iI'm taking one step forward and two steps backwards. So while we waited for the doctor to call us back to explain exactly what is going on I ate lunch and cried more.
Finally the doctor called us back and said that my hip does have a hairline fracture that's an old injury. It's nothing bad enough to need emergency surgery or anything. It's also stuck up into the socket and that's why it pops and won't open all the way. We don't know if I will need surgery to correct the problem but we will know more next Friday. I hope that it's an easy fix without needing surgery but I don't know for sure.
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