Today I woke up at about five thirty with everyone starting to wake up around me and let me tell you that I was grouchy. I'm just so damn tired and just want to sleep in for a few days. We all got up and got dressed, doing the normal routine. Today would be hard as we bury another loved one that has passed away. Big Daddy was someone I thought would have out lived me. He was 91 or 92. The drive to the church was extremely difficult for me as I thought about my mom. God how I miss her so much.
As the funeral went on I couldn't help but start to cry, but it wasn't for Big Daddy. It was for my mom which sounds so bad because everyone else was crying for the man in the coffin. I loved him and yes I'm sad that he's gone but I'm just still not over what happened with my mom. I could just hear the music that they played at her funeral and it just took me back to that morning. I just hate even thinking about it now cause I could easily start crying again. I know that I could talk to Jessica about everything that I'm feeling but I just can't yet. I need my own time to process everything that has happened in the past few weeks. Once I have gone through my mourning process then I will be able to talk to someone out loud. I guess I'll just share my feelings with you guys for now.
We went to the graveyard where everyone was gathered to say their final goodbyes to him. I couldn't make myself go up to the casket either places. I don't think I could have made it through the rest of Momma's funeral if we would have went to the graveyard too. I just needed to get out of the church and away from everyone watching my every move. I was the center of attention and I couldn't handle that pressure. I was out of my head and in a total state of I don't know what you call it. I was in a totally different world at that point and just begged for someone to take me home. I want to grieve in private not in front of everyone. I think that once my building gets set up and I can be alone I will be able to start my process. Right now I'm trying to be strong for everyone but that won't last forever. I know that and I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold it together much longer.
As the funeral went on I couldn't help but start to cry, but it wasn't for Big Daddy. It was for my mom which sounds so bad because everyone else was crying for the man in the coffin. I loved him and yes I'm sad that he's gone but I'm just still not over what happened with my mom. I could just hear the music that they played at her funeral and it just took me back to that morning. I just hate even thinking about it now cause I could easily start crying again. I know that I could talk to Jessica about everything that I'm feeling but I just can't yet. I need my own time to process everything that has happened in the past few weeks. Once I have gone through my mourning process then I will be able to talk to someone out loud. I guess I'll just share my feelings with you guys for now.
We went to the graveyard where everyone was gathered to say their final goodbyes to him. I couldn't make myself go up to the casket either places. I don't think I could have made it through the rest of Momma's funeral if we would have went to the graveyard too. I just needed to get out of the church and away from everyone watching my every move. I was the center of attention and I couldn't handle that pressure. I was out of my head and in a total state of I don't know what you call it. I was in a totally different world at that point and just begged for someone to take me home. I want to grieve in private not in front of everyone. I think that once my building gets set up and I can be alone I will be able to start my process. Right now I'm trying to be strong for everyone but that won't last forever. I know that and I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold it together much longer.
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