Today was a very good day where I was able to stay home by myself while Jessica went to the baby doctor. I was alone for about five hours before Jessica came home. Nothing went wrong the entire time, which I'm grateful for completely. I felt like an adult and it felt amazing. I don't know how much my mom liked it but hopefully she's proud of my milestone.
I talked on the phone for two hours with someone I now consider a good friend named Jack. I enjoyed our conversation and the laughs we both got out of it. There were many and I can say I giggle everytime I hear hair brush. You know why Jack. ;)
I talked with Dustin for a little while too which I always enjoy. Brittney called to use my eyes so she knows how long to cook dinner. It was interesting because I asked what did they do when they didn't know me and she said finger fucked around. I nearly died laughing too. The conversations we can have together is so weird and fun.

Today was a good day really which I'm not getting very often these days. Everything that's going on seems to be taken over all of our energy, time, and good days. So that I don't forget it I'll document it in case I want to reflect on it one day.
We fried fish the night before with a new kind of fish fry and when it mixed with the cup of alcohol I was drinking it must of soured my stomach. So I get up this morning to find that I need to do my bowel routine. Wonderful! It takes way too much time for my pleasure but it's got to be done. Once that was dealt with Jessica and Deza decided to go ahead and give me a bath. I hate baths because I always get to cold from not being able to control my temperature. It seems to me that I get too cold to where it's hard to warm me back up. It could take hours upon hours to warm me back up. I hate it!

I can see my mom's smile in each bloom from my brand new roses. We bought them soon after momma passed away to help get over the sadness. My momma was a flower fanatic! God, how she loved her flowers! It's so hard to believe that in just a few days it will be three months without her here with me. I know that time can help null the pain I feel but it won't ever be the same without her here.

So I have been looking at some quotes for my moms headstone because it's almost time to start getting ready to place one on order. I have found some that I just love but they are all so damn long! I have cried reading each one of these. Crying is helping me release these feelings that I've trapped inside for so long. I'm getting in touch with a young woman who is hopefully going to help me learn to express my feelings instead of burying them.

Random fact: it takes 3 months or more to make a headstone.

So after I wrote the blog last night I began to let my mind wonder to all of the emotions and the questions that I have been hiding away for so long. I was able to face those fears, questions, emotions, and every other thought that was being pushed down. I know that I still need to talk to someone about it and I will but I can tell you that I'm so totally thankful for it. It has lifted a weight that has been pushing me down deeper and deeper into a dark and scary place. I hope that with time I can see the change in both my body and my mind. It's so amazing how much somethings can weigh you down when you carry it around instead of getting it out in the open. So I'm here to tell everyone how much it has helped me in just one day and I can't wait to see the long term effects.

Today was a rather interesting day, I got called emotionally broken. I'm still not sure what that means but I'm taking it as a sign that I need to get help. I can't keep burying my feelings about my Momma's death because it's eating away at me. I have to face them head on or it could destroy me.
So I talked to Dustin on the phone this morning and he told me how he felt on how I was dealing with my problems or whether how I'm not dealing with them. I was raised to hide your feelings and move on. I can't help that it's how I was raised. He's getting me the number to one of his friends that counsel over the phone. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'd rather just move on but I have to do something about how I'm feeling. These feelings are surfacing so I'm going to let them out here. Maybe it will help.
-I feel like I have been abandoned by my mom, like I done something wrong to cause her to commit suicide.
-I don't want to forget her, I already can't remember how she smelled, smiled, sounded like, and even looked like. All I can see is what her body looked like laying in the coffin. There were bruises all over her hands, they didn't cover up the gunshot wounds very good either. She just didn't look like my momma. As most of you that read previous blogs I freaked out so bad when I went up to the coffin that I asked if they had the wrong body. I couldn't believe that she looked so bad. The funeral home should have never let it be a open casket funeral.
-It hurts so bad to think that she's laying in the ground decomposing. I know that her soul is not there but that's my Momma's body and I don't want it to decompose. It's all I have left of her.
-I'm still a little girl that needs and wants her momma. I knew that eventually I'd loose her but not this soon. I thought that I had years with her. There's so much I didn't get to tell her and share with her. She's gone and she's going to miss so much.
-I'm scared to bring back all of these feelings because once I do fall I don't think that I will be able to pick up the peices and put myself back together again. Who knows if I will even want too?
-What if I become a paranoid schizophrenic? I don't want to become one either.
-I heard the gunshot that took my moms life. I jumped up to see what the hell was going on just like Jessica. We started calling for momma and something in my gut said that something was wrong.
-I don't sleep much because of the nightmares. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I keep hearing the gunshot over and over trying to get there in time to save her but I never make it. It's torturous. No matter what I do I can't save my momma and that makes me sad plus angry. I should have known better!
-I question everything I do now which drives me up the wall. I second guess myself too much.
-What was the last thought she had before she pulled the trigger?
-Why did she leave me?
-Did she not trust me that much to take her own life?