Today I lay to rest the one person I thought I could not live without, my mom. I figured I wouldn't sleep very well with what was coming the following day. I slept up until four thirty in the morning when Derek and Jessica decided to giggle and start talking. Well needless to say that woke aspen and I up. We just sat there for what felt like forever just dreading what this day would bring up; the feelings that I have only buried. Today would be the day that I would have to finally say goodbye to my mom. I've tried to be strong for everyone around me including Jessica. She has been the strongest of us all. We have all been in shock about the whole thing; it hasn't hit us that she's really gone and she's ever coming back. We all feel like she could come in the door at anytime and shock us. If that were to happen I would absolutely die.
So as seven came around Deza, Aspen, and Jessica started getting me dressed and doing the normal stuff we do in the morning. I wore the grey skirt from Walmart and a white, grey, and black shirt like Momma's shirt. We were burying her in pajamas with a nice shirt. She would be happy. We just left my hair down and pulled the top part up. It felt like forever until this day would be over, could I just skip over this day? I could feel the stress from what was coming just piling up as we got closer to the church. I was scared; not just to see her lifeless body but to say goodbye to her and then forget her. Everyone has said I will never forget her but that is the one thing that I fear will happen. I don't want to forget her, she was my entire world for twenty years and now she's gone. How can I just move on and not have her here with me? I want to share my life with her; my first house, my first engagement, my wedding, my first child, my other children. There's so much she's going to miss and now I can't go and talk to her about everything. So many emotions and I'll be sharing them all with you.
I was doing so good up until I saw the hearse and I started ball in the van as they parked. It was cold so so cold. We go in the church, my eyes only searching the floor afraid of what they fine otherwise. I tell uncle mike I'm just not ready to see her I'm just not ready to see the damage the bullet may have left. I know the funeral home would have done the best to cover everything but of course I've seen way to damn much CSI and know what I'm looking for. I ask aspen to go see if she looks okay and she says yes. When Jessica went to look and said that she didn't look good. Mixed emotions. As everyone came they said their condolences I try to gather my courage to face my fear and go see her. I tell everyone that once Deza comes in I'll go see her but I was doing everything I could to avid looking.
Deza walked through the door and my heart sank just like iron. The time has came and still I was not ready to see her. I could see her hair but nothing else. Deep breath. I finally asked little Mike to take me over to the open casket. I hold my breath only hoping that she isn't mangled up from the gunshot that came out of her head. This is when I wish I had not seen so much CSI because I know what a skull looks like when a gun is used. I try not to think about it but how can I not? We make it over to the casket with a fairly large group of family and friends around me for support, and I will need it. I look at her face for one moment and see that she looks nothing like herself and I melt down in front of everyone. The funeral home done a good job with her just she didn't look anything like my mom. She was so lifeless and pale, I remember her so full of life and vibrant. I look down at her hands thinking of reaching out to touch her but only see bruising covering both of them. I have a physical and mental breakdown so horrible I asked if we had the right body. I had to get out of there and as fast as I could. I didn't look long enough to see the gunshot wound through her skull. I couldn't make myself look at her face again. I was taken to the other building where I continued to have a meltdown consisting of crying, shaking my head, begging for momma and so much more. I don't remember to much more of what went on during the episode. I tell them that before I could go back inside the casket had to be closed. I couldn't sit there with it open knowing she looked nothing like my momma. Everyone said she looked so beautiful but they lied, she looked horrible. I don't want to remember her that way. I regret going to see her body right now but I know I needed to go see her for closure. The chapter with her in my life was coming to a close and again I'm not ready.
The church starts playing my mom's favorite song "Phone in Heaven" and as I quietly sing along I finally knew the pain my mom had told me when the song came on and tears stream down continually. I try to cry silently but that's not the easiest thing to do. Uncle Tony stood as the song to an end and says a few words trying unsuccessfully not to let his voice crack. Next comes the song I picked out "When I'm Gone" which I imagine that my mom would be singing straight to me from above and my tears continued to fall and stream down my cheeks. This hurt was indescribable and it would become so bad I wished I could have been with her on more time. I know as time goes on the hurt will lessen but never go away completely. Once more I slip into my own world as the funeral goes on just staring at the light purple casket. Oh how I wish she were here to tell me everything would be okay and to tell me she loves me. I need her to tell me everything will be okay because I feel as if this day could swallow me whole and I wouldn't ever be happy again. In a way I wish I could simply turn off my emotions like the vampire tv show The Vampire Dairies. It would save me so much pain but that's out the window.
The rest of the funeral was like a blur of people and crying. As the guys carried the casket out to the hearse I start to cry once again and say that I'm ready to go home. I needed to leave as fast as I could even if that meant not saying goodbye to my guest. I was crying so hard as we wait for the van and I stare off into space. The rest of the day was filled with tears of sadness, tears of happiness, and laughter as some family came over to cheer me up.
So as seven came around Deza, Aspen, and Jessica started getting me dressed and doing the normal stuff we do in the morning. I wore the grey skirt from Walmart and a white, grey, and black shirt like Momma's shirt. We were burying her in pajamas with a nice shirt. She would be happy. We just left my hair down and pulled the top part up. It felt like forever until this day would be over, could I just skip over this day? I could feel the stress from what was coming just piling up as we got closer to the church. I was scared; not just to see her lifeless body but to say goodbye to her and then forget her. Everyone has said I will never forget her but that is the one thing that I fear will happen. I don't want to forget her, she was my entire world for twenty years and now she's gone. How can I just move on and not have her here with me? I want to share my life with her; my first house, my first engagement, my wedding, my first child, my other children. There's so much she's going to miss and now I can't go and talk to her about everything. So many emotions and I'll be sharing them all with you.
I was doing so good up until I saw the hearse and I started ball in the van as they parked. It was cold so so cold. We go in the church, my eyes only searching the floor afraid of what they fine otherwise. I tell uncle mike I'm just not ready to see her I'm just not ready to see the damage the bullet may have left. I know the funeral home would have done the best to cover everything but of course I've seen way to damn much CSI and know what I'm looking for. I ask aspen to go see if she looks okay and she says yes. When Jessica went to look and said that she didn't look good. Mixed emotions. As everyone came they said their condolences I try to gather my courage to face my fear and go see her. I tell everyone that once Deza comes in I'll go see her but I was doing everything I could to avid looking.
Deza walked through the door and my heart sank just like iron. The time has came and still I was not ready to see her. I could see her hair but nothing else. Deep breath. I finally asked little Mike to take me over to the open casket. I hold my breath only hoping that she isn't mangled up from the gunshot that came out of her head. This is when I wish I had not seen so much CSI because I know what a skull looks like when a gun is used. I try not to think about it but how can I not? We make it over to the casket with a fairly large group of family and friends around me for support, and I will need it. I look at her face for one moment and see that she looks nothing like herself and I melt down in front of everyone. The funeral home done a good job with her just she didn't look anything like my mom. She was so lifeless and pale, I remember her so full of life and vibrant. I look down at her hands thinking of reaching out to touch her but only see bruising covering both of them. I have a physical and mental breakdown so horrible I asked if we had the right body. I had to get out of there and as fast as I could. I didn't look long enough to see the gunshot wound through her skull. I couldn't make myself look at her face again. I was taken to the other building where I continued to have a meltdown consisting of crying, shaking my head, begging for momma and so much more. I don't remember to much more of what went on during the episode. I tell them that before I could go back inside the casket had to be closed. I couldn't sit there with it open knowing she looked nothing like my momma. Everyone said she looked so beautiful but they lied, she looked horrible. I don't want to remember her that way. I regret going to see her body right now but I know I needed to go see her for closure. The chapter with her in my life was coming to a close and again I'm not ready.
The church starts playing my mom's favorite song "Phone in Heaven" and as I quietly sing along I finally knew the pain my mom had told me when the song came on and tears stream down continually. I try to cry silently but that's not the easiest thing to do. Uncle Tony stood as the song to an end and says a few words trying unsuccessfully not to let his voice crack. Next comes the song I picked out "When I'm Gone" which I imagine that my mom would be singing straight to me from above and my tears continued to fall and stream down my cheeks. This hurt was indescribable and it would become so bad I wished I could have been with her on more time. I know as time goes on the hurt will lessen but never go away completely. Once more I slip into my own world as the funeral goes on just staring at the light purple casket. Oh how I wish she were here to tell me everything would be okay and to tell me she loves me. I need her to tell me everything will be okay because I feel as if this day could swallow me whole and I wouldn't ever be happy again. In a way I wish I could simply turn off my emotions like the vampire tv show The Vampire Dairies. It would save me so much pain but that's out the window.
The rest of the funeral was like a blur of people and crying. As the guys carried the casket out to the hearse I start to cry once again and say that I'm ready to go home. I needed to leave as fast as I could even if that meant not saying goodbye to my guest. I was crying so hard as we wait for the van and I stare off into space. The rest of the day was filled with tears of sadness, tears of happiness, and laughter as some family came over to cheer me up.
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