Emotions

This Christmas as everyone gathers around the Christmas tree and the tables please remember the love ones that we have lost not only this year but in the years past. Just because they are gone does not mean you have to forget about them and the memory that they left with us. I know that it is going to be hard for everyone who has lost a loved one being as I just lost my mother in January and it will be my first one without her. I've been going through a really rough patch here lately and that is why I have not posted anything on the blog and I am very sorry for all of that. I have been going through my own sort of depression that is what you want to call it. I am trying to bring myself out of it without needing professional help and so far it is working but I would gladly except help if it becomes any worse than what it is right now. I am going in the hospital in a matter of days to have a surgery to put the baclofen pump in my spine so that all of my spasticity goes away. I am hoping that this surgery can bring back my energy and my will to pull out of everything that I'm going through. It is coming up on the year mark since my mom passed away and I think that has a lot to do with it not only because she was my best friend but she was my caregiver and my mom and I loved her very much. This is going to be hard and I know that for the rest of my life I'm going to miss her but she's in a better place and I know that. I have to figure a way out of what I'm going through before I can start looking forward to the future. As I go through this process I'm going to try and document it for every one of you through this blog instead of through my video blogs on my YouTube channel because it is easier for me to write this stuff down that it is for me to be able to look at the camera in the eye and do the confessions I guess. I have been avoiding doing this blog post because then I have to face my feelings for the whole world and it's difficult for me to do that. I have to let everything that I am feeling out so that I can find a way to move on and be the person that I want to be. I keep putting on a smile for my family and my friends and everyone around me so that I don't know what I'm truly feeling and I don't know if I want to let them in on what I'm feeling. I have to do something so I guess I'm going to start here. I will continue my feelings later now I am going to bed good night and Merry Christmas and a happy new year if I don't post anything before then.