I am not the kind of person that shares my feelings out loud or in person. I try to shove all of my feelings as deep down inside me as I can. I don't know why but that's what I do. There's so much going on now that's becoming overwhelming for me to handle now that my momma is gone. I'm stressed out to the max but in person you could never tell, I hide my feelings very well. In some ways that's a good thing but in others it's a bad th. I guess it depends on who you talk too. With everything piling up on top of each other the pile is about to overflow. It's wearing me down and dragging me down with it.
I know that my mom was not the one who decided to take her own life, it was the illness and the voices in her head telling her that she had no other choice. There are still times that I feel like she abandoned me. Yes, I know that without the illness she would never have done what she did but I still feel this way. I guess I just don't understand how she could leave me alone here. In her mind she thought that was the best option but still I don't understand why?
I may be surrounded by all of my family but there are still times that I feel so alone. I miss my mom so much. I could talk to her or not say a word and know that she loved me. She still does just not the way I want her too.
I have so many things that I wish I could have told my mom before she passed away. Now I'll never get to tell her. The last conversation that we had was a argument and I will never get to say that I'm sorry or hear her say she loves me. I have so much regret built up inside me that it's over flowing...