Deza, Taylor, and Logan came over to just visit around a fire and just have some fun. We talked and laughed our ass off. We were talking about my 21st birthday about two weeks away and Logan said he's gonna get me drunk. I said that I would not mind but we would have to stay in the house so I didn't have to drive my chair. He goes oh hell I'll push your ass back in the house. So we have a plan for my birthday coming up. Aspen told me to video it and send it to her when we do. I ended up having a red bull and a full throttle towards the end of the night which I thought that I would never sleep again. Surprisingly I went to sleep pretty easily but it all started going downhill from there.
I awake to someone knocking on the door and it was Aunt Pam and Brantyn, oh no I could tell it was not good news. Big Daddy, Uncle Mike's dad, wasn't doing good and it didn't look like he would make it until morning. So we try to go back to sleep until Jessica comes into the living room and tells me that he didn't make it. Great, this is the third person to die in a two week period. How much more can our family take God? I know you never put more than we can handle on us but it sure is getting heavy. So now we have to plan another funeral and cry all over again. I'm so tired of crying that I can't make tears anymore. So here I am at four o'clock in the morning writing this. No one can get a hold of uncle little Mike either.
Deza, Taylor, and Logan went partying after they left here and somehow got into trouble with the cops. The cops had to escort them home, take her car away and charged her with distribution of alcohol to a minor. Taylor is only twelve years old but looks to be about seventeen. So here we are once again. Great. Deza wanted Jessica to come get her and she's drunk. Like majorly drunk. Here we go with another sleepless night to start another day. I asked Taylor if she had anything to drink and she said that she did have a few sips but nothing large.
I'm tired of being tired and tired of getting hurt. I'm holding myself together with strings but it's become thinner and thinner with each passing day. I was just thinking that everything was about to start looking up and now we get knocked down once again. When will we get a break? How much more will come our way? Ehh. So much for a good day to bbq with family. Instead we get to plan a whole another funeral and wake. I can't bring myself to cry yet, for that I feel awful because I loved Big Daddy but I'm tired of crying. I'm ready for this dark time to pass and see some clear skies for a while. Is that too much to ask?
As I lay in my chair tonight all I can ask for is a restful night and some really great sleep. I feel like my body is just over worked. I just want to sleep all the time.
I couldn't help but think about what I want to do for my birthday this year. I want to be a grown ass woman and drink until I get drunk. I want to be free. I want to be my age for once in my life and by gosh I'm going too. When we get my phone done hopefully Monday I'm going to start thinking of the things I want to do. I hate funerals and now tomorrow we have Big Daddy's wake. Great. I hope to god I don't freak out like I did at my moms. I really need to get over everything and move on. How though?
Richard, a guy that I use to go to school with, keeps texting me about how beautiful I am and that he wants to take me out on a date. It's been so long since I've been asked out on a date I kinda want to do it so I can get back into the field. The guy that I was dating when the accident happened just had a baby the night my mom passed away. I still love him so much and now I regret my decision to break up with him. He treated me so good and loved me so much too. I gave him up for a twenty years old guy who was all talk and no action. If I could go back and change it I most definitely would. Who knows we might have been the ones to have a baby. If he happens to read this: Matt first off I'm so sorry how things ended between us and yes I love you still but I know you will never get back together with me. I hope you and your new little family nothing but the best. Welcome to parenthood.
Richard is a nice guy but I just don't know how I feel about trying to date him. We don't know much about each other since we were in school together and even then I never saw him in that way. All I can do is be outright with him that I am not looking for anything but friendship. If it turns into something more than so be it.