Today was a rather interesting day, I got called emotionally broken. I'm still not sure what that means but I'm taking it as a sign that I need to get help. I can't keep burying my feelings about my Momma's death because it's eating away at me. I have to face them head on or it could destroy me.
So I talked to Dustin on the phone this morning and he told me how he felt on how I was dealing with my problems or whether how I'm not dealing with them. I was raised to hide your feelings and move on. I can't help that it's how I was raised. He's getting me the number to one of his friends that counsel over the phone. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'd rather just move on but I have to do something about how I'm feeling. These feelings are surfacing so I'm going to let them out here. Maybe it will help.
-I feel like I have been abandoned by my mom, like I done something wrong to cause her to commit suicide.
-I don't want to forget her, I already can't remember how she smelled, smiled, sounded like, and even looked like. All I can see is what her body looked like laying in the coffin. There were bruises all over her hands, they didn't cover up the gunshot wounds very good either. She just didn't look like my momma. As most of you that read previous blogs I freaked out so bad when I went up to the coffin that I asked if they had the wrong body. I couldn't believe that she looked so bad. The funeral home should have never let it be a open casket funeral.
-It hurts so bad to think that she's laying in the ground decomposing. I know that her soul is not there but that's my Momma's body and I don't want it to decompose. It's all I have left of her.
-I'm still a little girl that needs and wants her momma. I knew that eventually I'd loose her but not this soon. I thought that I had years with her. There's so much I didn't get to tell her and share with her. She's gone and she's going to miss so much.
-I'm scared to bring back all of these feelings because once I do fall I don't think that I will be able to pick up the peices and put myself back together again. Who knows if I will even want too?
-What if I become a paranoid schizophrenic? I don't want to become one either.
-I heard the gunshot that took my moms life. I jumped up to see what the hell was going on just like Jessica. We started calling for momma and something in my gut said that something was wrong.
-I don't sleep much because of the nightmares. I'm afraid to go to sleep. I keep hearing the gunshot over and over trying to get there in time to save her but I never make it. It's torturous. No matter what I do I can't save my momma and that makes me sad plus angry. I should have known better!
-I question everything I do now which drives me up the wall. I second guess myself too much.
-What was the last thought she had before she pulled the trigger?
-Why did she leave me?
-Did she not trust me that much to take her own life?