I love Jessica don't get me wrong but I miss my home back in Missouri. I feel at home here but I don't know I guess once I get my things here everything will be even better. I have nothing to do other than follow Jessica around, color, play on my computer, or play on my phone. So I'm bored most of the time. I had a routine at the house that I don't have here and won't have for quite some time now.
I still don't understand how my mom could do something like she did but I guess I'm not meant to understand. I'm mad right now, mad at Momma and mad at God. I told him that he couldn't have her and that she was mine. I screamed for her just to talk to me that night as the ambulance took her away but of course she was gone. Donna told me she was gone before the paramedics took her to the hospital; that the body was still working on autopilot while the soul was not there anymore. If the doctor could have gotten her stable she would have been a vegetable. She wouldn't want to live that way. I still remember that night perfectly and every time I can't save her. I replay that day over and over again trying to figure out what I could have done differently. Could I have saved her with one slight change? I'll never know for sure. One thing I know for sure that is when I go to heaven she's getting her ass whipped.
I turn twenty one in only seven days! How crazy is that? I don't feel like I should be twenty one yet. I still don't have a clue at what I want to do for my birthday or what I want for my birthday. Everyone keeps asking me what I want and honestly I can't tell them. The one and only thing I want for my birthday is my momma but I can't have her. I decided to give everyone the link to my etsy site that has everything that I have ever liked so they stop asking me. I don't know! I'm still trying to cope with losing my mom so how can I even think about it?
The weather here is so crazy, one day it's seventy degrees then the next it's in the thirtys. I can't wait for it to be a constant seventy degrees! I can go outside to watch the flowers grow and see the sky. Momma hated me being inside so much so for her I'm going to try to be outside and off my computer more. I hope she can see me from Heaven and be proud of me. That's all I want is to make her proud with how I'm doing and what I'm making out of my life.