Derek came up to the house carrying these baby duckies!
Sometimes I just don't understand why I have these feelings; feelings of depression, abandonment, loneliness, fear, and most of all regret. I am proud of where I have come in these seven years and proud of the person I have become. So why do these feelings bubble to the surface?
I am not the kind of person that shares my feelings out loud or in person. I try to shove all of my feelings as deep down inside me as I can. I don't know why but that's what I do. There's so much going on now that's becoming overwhelming for me to handle now that my momma is gone. I'm stressed out to the max but in person you could never tell, I hide my feelings very well. In some ways that's a good thing but in others it's a bad th. I guess it depends on who you talk too. With everything piling up on top of each other the pile is about to overflow. It's wearing me down and dragging me down with it.
I know that my mom was not the one who decided to take her own life, it was the illness and the voices in her head telling her that she had no other choice. There are still times that I feel like she abandoned me. Yes, I know that without the illness she would never have done what she did but I still feel this way. I guess I just don't understand how she could leave me alone here. In her mind she thought that was the best option but still I don't understand why?
I may be surrounded by all of my family but there are still times that I feel so alone. I miss my mom so much. I could talk to her or not say a word and know that she loved me. She still does just not the way I want her too.
I have so many things that I wish I could have told my mom before she passed away. Now I'll never get to tell her. The last conversation that we had was a argument and I will never get to say that I'm sorry or hear her say she loves me. I have so much regret built up inside me that it's over flowing...
So I'm thinking of starting a blog that has nothing to do with my life. I've thought about this for a while now and I think I can do it. I'd sit down once a week and write a bunch of posts then throughout the week post them. I've got a bunch of ideas and a bunch more I can get off of Pinterest. I'm kind of excited to see if I'm able to do it. I've read many different blogs about different subjects and I think it's easy. We’ll see how it goes. Well I'm off.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet the one, and what he will be like. I dream about him all the time in my sleep, in my writing, and even in my pictures. I have a few things that I really want in a man and some that I don't want in the person I would spend the rest of my life with. What little girl don't grow up dreaming of their perfect man?
Characteristics I want in a man:
• Animal lover
Most of all I want a man that will love me for who I am! Someone who can look past the wheelchair.
Things I dislike
Life is precious, I understand that more than anyone, and each second on this earth needs to be held close to your heart. No one knows when He will call them home, therefore live like your dying or like today is your last. I think I need to do a post on what I'm most thankful for in my life. I challenge everyone to make a list of things so you see just how lucky you truly are.
There are people out there handling something much worse than what I'm going through and what your going through. For example, on Halloween a seven month old little girl named Dani Lynn that was born with an extra chromosome that passed away. Yes, she's in a much better place. A place where there's no more sickness, no more pain, and no more suffering. The family of Dani Lynn is suffering from the loss of a child. The pain is unbearable and there's nothing that can stop that pain, not even time. Time will make it hurt less but the pain will always be there. A three month old baby girl passed away from Sids, and that very pain is happening there too.
What are you thankful for?
• I'm thankful to be alive today
• I'm thankful I got to spend 21 years with my mom
• I'm thankful for the roof over my head
• I'm thankful for the food I eat
• I'm thankful for the luxuries I have
• I'm thankful for God’s sacrifice
• I'm thankful for my babies (my animals)
• I'm thankful for the movement I've regained
• I'm thankful for my health
• I'm thankful for my family
• I'm thankful for the air I breathe
• I'm thankful for the ability to share my story with others
• I'm thankful for the ability to inspire others
• I'm thankful for the money I have
Today we began putting up the wallpaper in my apartment building and it's so pretty! We got one whole wall done. I'm excited to get everything done and have the whole building completed. If only we could wiggle our nose and have everything done like on I Dream of Jeanie. My mom said that all the time!
We have gotten a couple of boxes emptied and a few peices of furniture out and set up in my building. It's starting to look like a home and not just a building. I don't really know what all I'm going to put in it just yet but it's going to be beautiful when we get done with it. I talked to my dad and he said that he was going to buy all new molding and base boards. I'm so grateful for my dad, he's really stepped up since my mom passed away.
This was found in my notes but never posted.
I'm twenty years old, about to become twenty one. Most people my age are out with their friends and going to college to start their career. Me, I'm just doing college online and taking care of my gliders. Yet there is this longing to become a mom that I just cannot get rid of for anything. I've always been able to push it back down deep saying your too young or making some other reason. Why can't I do that this time?
I'm a quadriplegic that cannot dress herself and wanting to have a baby. That makes a lot of sense now right? It seems like every which way I turn I see a baby or someone announced that they are going to be a parent. I can't seem to catch a break. I know that having a tiny human that I'm responsible for is so much work but I think I'm ready. I know that I won't act on these urges so I decided to write what I'm feeling down in a blog to hopefully clear it out of my system.
I have nothing to offer a baby other than never ending love. I can't drive. I can't dress myself. I don't have a job. I'm dependent on someone for EVERYTHING I do. So why would I even want to bring a helpless baby in the mix I have no idea. On my Pinterest account I will go through my feed and it's nothing but clothes and baby things. How sad? I can't talk to my mom about these feelings because she will just lecture me about it forever. Ugh…
Everyone needs to stop having babies! Plain and simple.
I think to myself at night, “Okay let's try to loose a bunch of weight so I can try to learn to transfer myself.” I am loosing weight though it's not as fast as I want to be but it's a slow process anyway.
It's 3:30 am and I can't sleep so I'm writing blogs to post so I'm more active. I need to finish college, get a steady income, learn to drive and then think about having a baby. I repeat these things over and over to myself but the urge hasn't went away yet. I've done so much research on sperm donor clinics near me and what to expect when pregnant while dealing with a spinal cord injury and the things that come along with it. I've watched countless videos dealing with a high risk pregnancy and what to do and not to do. I guess when I do decide to pursue it I'll be well informed. I see all of these cool baby items or clothes and I just want to cry because I want one soooooo bad.
There's so much good that comes with motherhood and I just want to experience that for myself. I have so many questions. Will I be able to feel the baby kick? What would I name the baby? Could I deliver naturally or need a C-section? Would the baby be premature? Would I be a good mom?
Saturday, March 19, 2016
When we got up the next morning everyone had already arrived just didn't want to wake me up. How sweet. So I froze my butt off because the house does not have central air and heat. I was just kind of use to it. So I got up and done the morning routine before getting down to business.
I honestly don't remember much because everything went by so fast. I know that the day was so emotional and I still don't feel comfortable trying to think back to remember what all happened to tell you guys. So here's some of the things I do remember :
Jessica went to sonic to get lunch and forgot my chicken strip basket
I cried about a hundred times
I froze my ass off
We got everything from upstairs by doing a pulley system over the outside balcony
We got about 3/4 of everything done the first day
Daddy and everyone that came with him left that afternoon so he could get back to the river
We stayed at the hotel that night
We went to the Texas Roadhouse in Joplin to eat supper. I got steak and grilled shrimp
Dustin and Brittney asked me to come over but I was too tired
I drank two glasses of wine
Friday March 18, 2016
We started our twelve hours traveling up to Seneca to pack up the house. It started out all wrong because my Uncle Mike went the long and curvy route instead of interstate the whole way. I tried to tell them the faster way but no one listened. So needless to say I was so pissed off that it wasn't funny.
When we get just far enough away that we cannot turn back I thought about the gallon of star burst sitting in the freezer. How the hell did I forget the alcohol?!?!? I knew I was going to need all the help I could get to hold myself together.
Going back into the house where we lived without my mom was going to be scary and bring up some feelings that I have been trying to avoid or bury to be able to move on. There was no way around the fact that I have to deal with those emotions once we got there but that will be dealt with when the time came.
I missed all of my cats very much and couldn't wait to see them again! That's one of the things I was looking forward to doing. Yeah I know it's silly to love animals so much but they have been there since my accident happened and I just couldn't bring myself to find new homes for them.
We got to Arkansas and it started to storm so bad that we couldn't see out of our windshield. There was heavy rain, gum ball size hail, hard winds, and loud thunder. I told them welcome to tornado alley! At the same time a big flash of lightning flashed what seemed to be just within spitting distance of us. Marsha started to freak out about seeing a tornado. I said you'd hear a tornado siren go off way before you would see the actual tornado. She still freaked out anyway.
When we reached the house that night we looked around some only to find things a complete mess. Of course everything was a mess with three cats locked in there for months! I wasn't surprised much. We cleaned the bathroom out that night and went to bed.
Paralyzed from the neck down after an ATV rollover at 14, April Otwell is beating the odds the doctors gave her. She's a blogger, fantasy writer, college student, sugar glider guardian and spinal cord injury survivor. She's even writing her first fiction novel!