January 28, 2016
I just want to go home but home is no longer my home. I now call home here at Jessica's house. I feel at home but I still want to go to my home. I guess I'll have to get over that sometime. It will get better once I am able to get our things from the house and get my room set up here in my apartment. I love the sound of that 'my apartment' even if it's not really an apartment.
I have decided to look at my situation like this: I was lucky to have had twenty years with my mom and I'll cherish every single moment I had with her. I love her so much and always will but life must go on. That one sentence scared the pure crap out of me because it's hard to imagine my life going on without my mom here to share it with. I can say that she's always in my head and heart. If only I could hear her tell me she loves me one more time and tell her so much that I held back when she was alive.
Life is short and you need to keep those you love close.

Ehhh I'm sick of being sick! I have a sinus infection, UTI, ear infection, yeast infection and feel like pure shit! I'm so ready to feel better. On top of all the sickness, my chair being broken, and the funeral for aunt Sue, Asia was having seizures for unknown reasons and we didn't think she was going to make it through the night. I told her that I loved her, tell my mom hi, and to tell all the other gliders I've lost that I loved them. I wanted her to let go so she wouldn't suffer.
She made it through the night and hasn't had anymore seizures so I'm one happy momma for that reason. I just don't know if I could handle loosing her on top of loosing my mom. I have grown so attached to Asia with everything that's happened to her tail. I would have felt better if she would have let go if she was going to suffer but I'm glad she made it. I love her beyond words. I can't wait till we get her some medicine to make her feel better.
I'm trying to think about some of the things that I want to keep out of our house but it's so not working because I'm just not ready to deal with all of that just yet. I need to get ready but if we can't go up there until the death certificate arrives then it could be anywhere from 8-12 weeks. Grr most everyone says it should only take about a week so who knows when they will get here.

So it's been a week since I lost my mom due to a mental illness that caused her to commit suicide via gunshot to the head. It's crazy to think she's been gone ten days. I still find myself thinking about her often and missing her all the same. I just want her back but I know she's in a better place. The illness that was clouding her brain can no longer effect her. Sure I'll always miss her and love her but with time the pain will dim. I just wished I would have let her hug me and kiss me more. For that, it is my fault and I'll alway regret not letting her. She said I would and she was right.
Aunt Sue died a day ago too so there's another funeral going on tomorrow for her. It seems that when it rains it pours. She died of stomach cancer that's rare and untreatable. I didn't really know her well enough to cry over her death. I can remember staying with her when Lucy was there but that was when we were nine or ten. I'm sad because she was family and I'm also sad because I didn't have the chance to know her more. It's sad that our family never really gets together unless someone dies. It's not supposed to be that way but with such a large family it's hard to keep everyone close.
I called the place in Monroe to check on the motors but they have not received them yet. Great. So I called the Springfield and they have been having bad weather so they have not been able to ship them out. Grrrr I could just choke them! I'm stuck in one spot and I'm sick of it.
I'm ready to get all my things from Missouri so I can start settling in here and moving on with my life. It's going to be hard but I'm going to have too sooner or later. I have so much I want to do but I don't know how to go about doing them. If that makes any sense. It's raining so until it's stopped the portable building can't be moved. Ugh is all I can say.

Today I lay to rest the one person I thought I could not live without, my mom. I figured I wouldn't sleep very well with what was coming the following day. I slept up until four thirty in the morning when Derek and Jessica decided to giggle and start talking. Well needless to say that woke aspen and I up. We just sat there for what felt like forever just dreading what this day would bring up; the feelings that I have only buried. Today would be the day that I would have to finally say goodbye to my mom. I've tried to be strong for everyone around me including Jessica. She has been the strongest of us all. We have all been in shock about the whole thing; it hasn't hit us that she's really gone and she's ever coming back. We all feel like she could come in the door at anytime and shock us. If that were to happen I would absolutely die.
So as seven came around Deza, Aspen, and Jessica started getting me dressed and doing the normal stuff we do in the morning. I wore the grey skirt from Walmart and a white, grey, and black shirt like Momma's shirt. We were burying her in pajamas with a nice shirt. She would be happy. We just left my hair down and pulled the top part up. It felt like forever until this day would be over, could I just skip over this day? I could feel the stress from what was coming just piling up as we got closer to the church. I was scared; not just to see her lifeless body but to say goodbye to her and then forget her. Everyone has said I will never forget her but that is the one thing that I fear will happen. I don't want to forget her, she was my entire world for twenty years and now she's gone. How can I just move on and not have her here with me? I want to share my life with her; my first house, my first engagement, my wedding, my first child, my other children. There's so much she's going to miss and now I can't go and talk to her about everything. So many emotions and I'll be sharing them all with you.
I was doing so good up until I saw the hearse and I started ball in the van as they parked. It was cold so so cold. We go in the church, my eyes only searching the floor afraid of what they fine otherwise. I tell uncle mike I'm just not ready to see her I'm just not ready to see the damage the bullet may have left. I know the funeral home would have done the best to cover everything but of course I've seen way to damn much CSI and know what I'm looking for. I ask aspen to go see if she looks okay and she says yes. When Jessica went to look and said that she didn't look good. Mixed emotions. As everyone came they said their condolences I try to gather my courage to face my fear and go see her. I tell everyone that once Deza comes in I'll go see her but I was doing everything I could to avid looking.
Deza walked through the door and my heart sank just like iron. The time has came and still I was not ready to see her. I could see her hair but nothing else. Deep breath. I finally asked little Mike to take me over to the open casket. I hold my breath only hoping that she isn't mangled up from the gunshot that came out of her head. This is when I wish I had not seen so much CSI because I know what a skull looks like when a gun is used. I try not to think about it but how can I not? We make it over to the casket with a fairly large group of family and friends around me for support, and I will need it. I look at her face for one moment and see that she looks nothing like herself and I melt down in front of everyone. The funeral home done a good job with her just she didn't look anything like my mom. She was so lifeless and pale, I remember her so full of life and vibrant. I look down at her hands thinking of reaching out to touch her but only see bruising covering both of them. I have a physical and mental breakdown so horrible I asked if we had the right body. I had to get out of there and as fast as I could. I didn't look long enough to see the gunshot wound through her skull. I couldn't make myself look at her face again. I was taken to the other building where I continued to have a meltdown consisting of crying, shaking my head, begging for momma and so much more. I don't remember to much more of what went on during the episode. I tell them that before I could go back inside the casket had to be closed. I couldn't sit there with it open knowing she looked nothing like my momma. Everyone said she looked so beautiful but they lied, she looked horrible. I don't want to remember her that way. I regret going to see her body right now but I know I needed to go see her for closure. The chapter with her in my life was coming to a close and again I'm not ready.
The church starts playing my mom's favorite song "Phone in Heaven" and as I quietly sing along I finally knew the pain my mom had told me when the song came on and tears stream down continually. I try to cry silently but that's not the easiest thing to do. Uncle Tony stood as the song to an end and says a few words trying unsuccessfully not to let his voice crack. Next comes the song I picked out "When I'm Gone" which I imagine that my mom would be singing straight to me from above and my tears continued to fall and stream down my cheeks. This hurt was indescribable and it would become so bad I wished I could have been with her on more time. I know as time goes on the hurt will lessen but never go away completely. Once more I slip into my own world as the funeral goes on just staring at the light purple casket. Oh how I wish she were here to tell me everything would be okay and to tell me she loves me. I need her to tell me everything will be okay because I feel as if this day could swallow me whole and I wouldn't ever be happy again. In a way I wish I could simply turn off my emotions like the vampire tv show The Vampire Dairies. It would save me so much pain but that's out the window.
The rest of the funeral was like a blur of people and crying. As the guys carried the casket out to the hearse I start to cry once again and say that I'm ready to go home. I needed to leave as fast as I could even if that meant not saying goodbye to my guest. I was crying so hard as we wait for the van and I stare off into space. The rest of the day was filled with tears of sadness, tears of happiness, and laughter as some family came over to cheer me up.

January 20, 2016: Making arrangements
I knew going to the funeral home would be hard on my because every decision would be put on me. Well I was right and I had to do it without crying. I done so good on the way up there but wanted to just cry something awful. We get through everything with a tear! Thank god! On the way back I cry just thinking of how the funeral will bring up so many emotions that I have tried to burry under my hard shell only to protect myself. The only good thing that happened today was Aspen finally made it here to see me. :)

So it's the second day without my momma and I have to say it's a little better. I will never forget her nor will this pain go away completely but with time it will lessen. There hasn't been a lot of people here today which helped some too. I really need a break to rest and let everything settle. We all agree that once everything gets settled down we need to get a routine going which I've been wanting to do anyway.
We found out that both buildings are in good shape to make into a small apartment for me. I'm so excited to have my own apartment and become an adult for the first time but would much rather have my momma back. If I had a choice anyway. Daddy said that he'd move the portable building for us as soon as he can. I know there's a lot going on with my wheelchair being broken plus momma and his life. I'm impatient and want it done already so I can start getting it ready. My poor gliders need new larger cages because the one in Missouri needs to be trashed. I won't even bring the wheels just toys. I dread going back but want my things here at the same time.
Aspen and Gail will be here some time tomorrow night which I so can't wait because I really need her here. I have been going through my pictures of momma to take to the funeral and came across the ones from when I was little and they were done. I don't really remember it but we were so little! I loved them so I put them on Facebook with tags.
Daddy could not find a wheelchair that has the functions that mine have to rent so they will transfer me in and out of the regular wheelchair at night.

Jacqueline Maxine Greene
October 1, 1968 - January 16, 2016

The first night was so hard to go through as it's the first night she won't kiss me on the forehead and tell me good night and she loves me. I didn't want to go to sleep in fear that I would have a nightmare. I could hear the shot over and over in my head. I had to call Gail to talk to her for a little while and we both cried before I could go to sleep. I can say that I hope time helps heal this hurt. I am at a loss for words really right now so I may take a break from everything and just focus on myself healing. I've had family and friends here around me which is helping a lot. We tell stories and memories that have had us laughing and crying but in a good way.
They have taken Momma's body for an autopsy which I couldn't bare to think about them cutting her open and things. That is my mom, I know that she's not there anymore but I can't do it. Today was so hard because I couldn't keep my mind off what the CSI shows do when they cut open a body. I think I watch way too much of crime shows! Momma always asked me to change the shows and now I guess I know why.
I was told that the bullet went in the back of the head on the left side and exited the right which makes me wonder. My mom was right handed so why not use her dominate hand? I know no one was there but it just makes me curious anyway.
Jessica came up with a great idea for giving me a little independence while being close to family that takes care of me. There's a portable building that's been finished on the inside so bring it up to Jessica's porch so it's my own house. Of course I will sleep in the house with Jessica but with a baby coming and the little toot it's going to be difficult to focus on school work and my job. I'll have a place for me time! I've been waiting for some independence and I love this idea. My dad said he'd check on the conditions of it and another one tomorrow.

This day is the worst day of my life, this day changes everything. This morning around six my mom shot herself in the back of the head and passed away from the injury. I lost her to a mental illness that made her question everything and everyone in our lives. I love her so much and it is going to be hard to be without her. I know she's in a better place where the illness cannot hurt her anymore. She was transported to the hospital by ambulance but did not survive much after arriving. She was in a bad mental state at the time of her death and the woman I've been seeing the last couple of months is not the mom I grew up with. I could not see the signs that could have saved her life until it was too late and for that I will always wonder.
I don't know that it is not my fault, no matter what I cannot blame myself. She was sick but did not feel that she could ask for help. My mom did not kill herself but the disease killed her. Today has been so very hard and the next few months will be just as hard. I'm trying to be strong for my mom like she would want but I'm not doing a good job. Mostly I try to keep busy so I don't have time to think about her. Of course I'm still in shock and will need time to let it sink in.